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You Found Me

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Carlene Tan Li Xuan
11th July 1988.
Currently 23+.
Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School,
SRJC (first 3 months),
TPJC, NUS FASS (econs).
loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004
i am going crazy. i hate myself.

i cried today, again. i cried over my ss paper. i failed. i scored 22 out of 50. i wonder what kind of miracles can happen in order for me to pass my only humanities. i really wonder.
the world around me seems to collapse. i hate myself, not the world. i hate myself for being such a failure, for not being able to score good grades, for not being able to accomplish so many so many things. i hate myself for so many numerous reasons i can't count. why? why can't i lean on anyone. the people i once used to lean on or i thought could be my support are no longer there for me. i can't turn to those i once used to because they too are trying to find someone. i hate myself for not being independent enough.

i remember what morris said in "tuesdays with morris". "We depend on people when we were infants, we depend on people when we're dying. But in between, we depend on people more." now i'm starting to doubt that statement. will there always be someone you can depend on during your darkest days? In the end, don't you actually have to fall back on yourself?
why is it i can never do anything right, i can never live a month not shedding tears of unhappiness. i'm unhappy, does anyone know? does anyone care?

when mrs.lopez flashed the ss marks on the visualizer today, and i saw my doom, i was davestated. i cried. i couldn't cry aloud because i didn't want to get attention. i really tried fighting back my tears, i really tried to be strong. i wanted to look for something to relieve this pain, i wanted to slash myself so deep till i feel numb. i'm sick, sick in the head, i'm going crazy.

i've told many never to self mutilate cause it won't work. i've told many to look on the bright side of life. i've cheered up many, i've advised them, even guided them in someways or other, but why can't i guide myself now? why can't i tell myself to stop self pitying? why can't i tell myself it's not the end? why? why? why?

i don't want anyone who read this entry to worry bout me, i just need somewhere to pour out too and here's where i do it. i don't hate the world, the world owes me nothing, nobody does, i owe this all to myself, and so i hate myself.

honestly, since mid-year, i've improved, but so what, i still can't reach what i expected, and more so, what my parents want. i wonder when i can ever appease them, wonder when i can ever make them proud to say they have a daughter like me, wonder when they will ever say "good job". i wonder when i can be that normal happy-go-lucky self of me again.